my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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