my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Randomize
