True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
