she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
