Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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