i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
