After last night, I could never be a politician.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
