Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
