I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
