i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I just gargled with NyQuil
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
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