Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
