'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
