I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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