I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
