i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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