whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Randomize
