I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
