He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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