Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I want to be your penis for a week.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
