Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
That reminds me...we need to get swords
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
