Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
