i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
