I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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