the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
