So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
