You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
