Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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