I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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