I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
