i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
