She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
