I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
