My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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