No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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