i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
