it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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