My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
