i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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