i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
