11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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