happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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