you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
