My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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