Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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