I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
