so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
