why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
just found out that she named her cat after me.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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