I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
What changed your mind?
Being sober
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
