I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
