You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
You're like the curious george of whores
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
